|The Frog Prince
the PC Version
by James Finn Garner***
|Once there was a young princess who, when she grew tired of beating her head against the-male power structure at her
castle, would relax by walking into the woods and sitting beside a small pond. There she would amuse herself by tossing
her favorite golden ball up and down and pondering the role of the eco-feminist warrior in her era.
One day, while she was envisioning the utopia that her queendom could become if womyn were in the positions of power,
she dropped the ball, which rolled into the pond. The pond was so deep and murky she couldn't see where it had gone.
She didn't cry, of course, but she made a mental note to be more careful next time.
Suddenly she heard a voice say, "I can get your ball for you, princess."
She looked around, and saw the head of a frog popping above the surface of the pond. "No, no," she said, "I would never
enslave a member of another species to work for my selfish desires."
The frog said, "Well, what if we make a deal on the contingency basis? I'll get your ball for you if you do me a favor in
The princess gladly agreed to this most equitable arrangement. The frog dived under the water and soon emerged with
the golden ball in his mouth. He spit the ball on the shore and said, "Now that I've done you a favor, I'd like to explore your
views on physical attraction between the species."
The princess couldn't imagine what the frog was talking about. The frog continued, "You see, I am not really a frog at all. I'm really a
man, but an evil sorcerer has cast a spell on me. While my frog form is no better or worse -- only different -- than my human form, I
would so much like to be among people again. And the only thing that can break this spell is a kiss from a princess."
The princess thought for a moment about whether sexual harassment could take place between species, but her heart went out to
the frog for his predicament. She bent down and kissed the frog on the forehead. Instantly the frog grew and changed. And there,
standing in the water where the frog had been, was a man in a gold golf shirt and loud plaid pants -- middle-aged, vertically
challenged, and losing a little bit of hair on top.
The princess was taken aback. "I'm sorry if this sounds a little classist," she stammered, "but ... what I mean to say is ... don't
sorcerers usually cast their spells on princes?"
"Ordinarily, yes," he said, "but this time the target was just an innocent businessman. You see, I'm a real estate developer, and the
sorcerer thought I was cheating him in a property-line dispute. So he invited me out for a round of golf, and just as I was about to
tee off, he transformed me. But my time as a frog wasn't wasted, you know. I've gotten to know every square inch of these woods,
and I think it would be ideal for an office park/condo/resort complex. The location's great and the numbers crunch perfectly! The
bank wouldn't lend any money to a frog, but now that I'm in human form again, they'll be eating out of my hand. Oh, will that be sweet!
And let me tell you, this is going to be a big project! Just drain the pond, cut down about 80 percent of the trees, get easements
for ... "
The frog developer was cut short when the princess shoved her golden ball back into his mouth. She then pushed him back underwater and held him there until he stopped
thrashing. As she walked back to the castle, she marveled at the number of good deeds that a person can do in just one morning. And while someone might have noticed that
the frog was gone, no one ever missed the real estate developer.
|***Material (text) copyright James Finn Garner. All rights reserved.
|And NOW, this tale told one more time by an email fairy, wishing to cast fits of laughter over all those who would partake . . .
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't freakin' think so!"